Things are tough right now. It leaves me with little to say. Outwardly I appear normal and happy. Inwardly I am torn into shredds and feel like dying. Seeking comfort from the Lord is my only source of survival in this world we currently call life. I keep reminding myself of all I have to be thankful for …
I have Lil Man … Oh what a special little boy. He brings me so much happiness. He’s a “determined to be independent”, two year old, slice of Heaven. The twinkle in his eyes and the sound of glee in his voice is immeasurable. I could never imagine life without him and hope I never have to.
Then I have …
Lil Bit … Ahhhh such a precious, cuddly, beautiful, little boy. He’s demanding and impatient but he knows his Nana and he knows when Nana reaches for him she won’t put him down until his needs have all been satisfied. I could never imagine life without him either and like Lil Man I hope I never have to.
I have …
Heather … such a sweet spirit but not without faults and plenty of them. She learns from her mistakes and fights to always be a better person. She’s learning and she tries. Lil Bit is lucky to have her for a Mommy. Lil Man thinks there is no other Aunt like his “Aunt Hegar.”
I have a wonderful Church family. I have an awesome job and awesome co-workers. I’m lucky in so many respects of nature and of life.
But (you knew that was coming didn’t you?)
I’m still torn and broken … my heart still aches … I still wonder if I’m making the right choices … I still struggle with decisions I have had to make … Why?
This is why … She’s my baby. Regardless of her age she will always be my baby. I miss her and so wish I could just call her up and say “come home” … I can’t and she won’t. Maybe someday she will find my blog and when/if she does I want her to know that I love her with all of my heart despite the choices she has made. I know someday she will grow up and be the adult God wants her to be. She will learn respect and she will learn what her priorities are and how to put them in the correct order. Until she does I will continue to miss her and continue to worry about where she is and if she is safe. Until then I will keep her little boy safe. I will keep him happy, and I will watch him grow into an aspiring young man with goals and determination.
My daughter
My baby girl … grown into a beautiful but trouble young woman
Unfortunate circumstances
She left home
Almost 4 weeks ago
I have emergency legal custody of Lil Man
I’ve seen her for about 10 minutes total since she left
She’s homeless, jobless, living among strangers she calls friends
Last I heard she was talking about moving to TX with one of her ’stranger’ friends
Depends on the Judge’s custody decision for Lil Man
I know the Judge will leave the custody order in place
She has no way to support and care for him
Lil Man never asks for Mama or questions where she is
BUT
Despite all this …
My Heart HURTS
I miss MY baby girl
I want her home
She doesn’t want to be home
OR
Maybe she does
But she is afraid to ask if she can come back
One Million pieces … that is how many pieces my heart is in
***crying***
***sad***
I recently tried the Boon Squirt Spoon with my new grandson. I fell in love instantly! First feedings tend to be messy feedings and I was not looking forward to the introduction of solids but with the Boon Squirt Spoon Lil Bit’s first feeding proved to be an awesome experience.
Naturally when I opened Twitter this morning and found that one of the awesome people I follow was offering this giveaway there was no doubt in my mind that I would be entering this giveaway. Having an opportunity to tell you about the giveaway only made it that much better. Piece Of Me is an awesome blog that I recommend you look at and follow. Don’t forget while you’re there to check out all of the other awesome giveaways currently going on.
And I need to get it off my chest … Will you be the one to listen?
A bit over one year ago my family went through a tragedy. It affected some worse than others. Some seemed to have totally forgotten it ever happened. I haven’t and it still hurts. It hurts a whole lot. I believe what hurts more than the tragedy itself is having people ‘forget’ it ever existed.
If you chose not to read about our tragedy I understand and I’ll tell you what happened. On April 18, 2008 my youngest daughter suffered a miscarriage at her 13th week of pregnancy. That day is as vivid in my mind as the day Lil Man was born or the day Lil Bit was born. It is as vivid as what I had for lunch today. I can never forget and don’t ever want to forget that day. I would like for the pain to be easier to bear, but I want to remember our Angel Baby. I want my family to remember our Angel Baby. But they don’t … and that hurts … sometimes it hurts more than the memory of that day.
This past Mother’s Day, after Church I planned to stop by our Olan Mill’s Studio to see what kind of special they were offering and to schedule pictures to be made for Lil Bit. He’s 13 weeks old today and we haven’t had his pictures made professionally. Lord knows I don’t have the ability to make them, although I wish I did. Anyway … I had both the boys, my daughter, and my Mom with me. While I was filling out a card for the package I was purchasing the Olan Mills lady was chatting with my Mom and admiring the boys. Mom had told the lady that Lil Man and Lil Bit were her Great-Grandchildren to which the lady asked if they were the only two she had … My Mom’s response broke my heart. She simply said Yes, they are the only two I have. The Olan Mill’s lady saw tears in my eyes. She asked if these boys were my Grandsons to which I responded YES … these two little boys are my blessings from Heaven. She followed immediately with “So they are the only two you have and two is a good number”. My mouth fell open and tears burned my eyes. I softly said “I actually have three grandchildren, two here with me and one in Heaven.
I think for just a moment the world stood still. The look on my Mom and daughter’s face was like a look of horror that I would even mention the baby my daughter miscarried just over a year ago. I felt like I had been slapped by everyone that heard what I said. Is it so wrong that I speak about my grandchild in Heaven? Angel Baby exists. It’s not like that baby should not be talked about … right? We saw him/her in ultrasound. We saw the tinyest of heartbeat at the 6week ultrasound. Angel Baby lived … a very short life here on earth. Angel baby will spend eternity in Heaven. Does that mean we have to forget him/her? I know there will be a day when I stand proudly at Heaven’s Gate and be reunited with Angel Baby. I just wonder if the rest of my family are as anxious as I am to someday be reunited with Angel Baby or if they have ever even given it any thought.
I don’t have a lot to share today. Life is so-so. Lil Man is feeling better. Lil Bit seems to maybe have colic? or it may be GERD? Not sure which but we hope to find out soon. He did however sleep really well last night. He took his last bottle at 10pm. He woke around 12:30 but I was able to put his binky back in his mouth, cover him with his silky blanket and he went right back to sleep. He woke again around 4:45 this morning and I prayed for just one more hour. I tried the binky/blanket combo and prayed it would work. It did … He slept till about 6:30 where I was more than happy to change his bottom and gladly give him his morning bottle. I pretty much consider that sleeping through the night. I’m happy and so was he. I guess now you are wondering why I was on baby care instead of his Mama. Well Mama decided about 8:30 last night that apparently she missed her pregnancy/gallbladder pukefest and decided to start puking again. I’m assuming she has picked up a virus as she was running a low grade temp earlier today and pretty much feeling yukey. I refused to let her near Lil Bit in hopes that he doesn’t get exposed to whatever it is she has going on … besided … I really don’t mind cuddling with my precious Lil Bit in the middle of the night.
Could you really grow tired of loving on something this precious?
Of course this morning I got some lovin time with Lil Man and that time is forever special …
Last but not least … The beauty that is outside the front windows of my home …
