Something’s Bothering Me

And I need to get it off my chest … Will you be the one to listen?

A bit over one year ago my family went through a tragedy. It affected some worse than others. Some seemed to have totally forgotten it ever happened. I haven’t and it still hurts. It hurts a whole lot. I believe what hurts more than the tragedy itself is having people ‘forget’ it ever existed.

If you chose not to read about our tragedy I understand and I’ll tell you what happened. On April 18, 2008 my youngest daughter suffered a miscarriage at her 13th week of pregnancy.  That day is as vivid in my mind as the day Lil Man was born or the day Lil Bit was born. It is as vivid as what I had for lunch today. I can never forget and don’t ever want to forget that day. I would like for the pain to be easier to bear, but I want to remember our Angel Baby. I want my family to remember our Angel Baby.  But they don’t … and that hurts … sometimes it hurts more than the memory of that day.

This past Mother’s Day, after Church I planned to stop by our Olan Mill’s Studio to see what kind of special they were offering and to schedule pictures to be made for Lil Bit. He’s 13 weeks old today and we haven’t had his pictures made professionally. Lord knows I don’t have the ability to make them, although I wish I did.  Anyway … I had both the boys, my daughter, and my Mom with me. While I was filling out a card for the package I was purchasing the Olan Mills lady was chatting with my Mom and admiring the boys. Mom had told the lady that Lil Man and Lil Bit were her Great-Grandchildren to which the lady asked if they were the only two she had … My Mom’s response broke my heart. She simply said Yes, they are the only two I have.  The Olan Mill’s lady saw tears in my eyes. She asked if these boys were my Grandsons to which I responded YES … these two little boys are my blessings from Heaven. She followed immediately with “So they are the only two you have and two is a good number”.  My mouth fell open and tears burned my eyes.  I softly said “I actually have three grandchildren, two here with me and one in Heaven.

I think for just a moment the world stood still. The look on my Mom and daughter’s face was like a look of horror that I would even mention the baby my daughter miscarried just over a year ago.  I felt like I had been slapped by everyone that heard what I said.  Is it so wrong that I speak about my grandchild in Heaven? Angel Baby exists. It’s not like that baby should not be talked about … right? We saw him/her in ultrasound. We saw the tinyest of heartbeat at the 6week ultrasound. Angel Baby lived … a very short life here on earth. Angel baby will spend eternity in Heaven. Does that mean we have to forget him/her?  I know there will be a day when I stand proudly at Heaven’s Gate and be reunited with Angel Baby.  I just wonder if the rest of my family are as anxious as I am to someday  be reunited with Angel Baby or if they have ever even given it any thought.

My Babies & My Beautiful Front Yard

I don’t have a lot to share today.  Life is so-so.  Lil Man is feeling better. Lil Bit seems to maybe have colic? or it may be GERD? Not sure which but we hope to find out soon.  He did however sleep really well last night. He took his last bottle at 10pm. He woke around 12:30 but I was able to put his binky back in his mouth, cover him with his silky blanket and he went right back to sleep. He woke again around 4:45 this morning and I prayed for just one more hour. I tried the binky/blanket combo and prayed it would work. It did … He slept till about 6:30 where I was more than happy to change his bottom and gladly give him his morning bottle. I pretty much consider that sleeping through the night. I’m happy and so was he.  I guess now you are wondering why I was on baby care instead of his Mama. Well Mama decided about 8:30 last night that apparently she missed her pregnancy/gallbladder pukefest and decided to start puking again. I’m assuming she has picked up a virus as she was running a low grade temp earlier today and pretty much feeling yukey. I refused to let her near Lil Bit in hopes that he doesn’t get exposed to whatever it is she has going on … besided … I really don’t mind cuddling with my precious Lil Bit in the middle of the night.

Could you really grow tired of loving on something this precious?

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Of course this morning I got some lovin time with Lil Man and that time is forever special …

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Last but not least … The beauty that is outside the front windows of my home …

Where in the world have I been?

Anyone asking that question? hmmm? Anyone out there wonder where I have been in … oh say … what seems like forever?  About two months to be exact! Where I am … I’m still there … so time doesn’t allow for a whole lot … I’ll do the best I can …

If you remember my lost post introduced you to the new little boy who joined our family three weeks early. Well let me tell you … that little boy has definitely made his presence known.  While he is one of the most precious little babies around … God Bless his little self … he’s somewhat of a baby nightmare.  Don’t get me wrong … I wouldn’t trade him for anything in this world but I would like the opportunity to see what 6-7 hours of sleep feels like. WAIT .. I would welcome 2-3 hours sleep … how about even a solid 2 hours of silence?  Can I have any of them above?  Lil Bit is trying. He loves to be held. He hates being laid down.  He loves a bottle … maybe too much because all he wants to do is eat. ALL THE TIME people … I mean every waking moment that little boy wants a bottle in his mouth. Breast feeding was a total bust for his mama. She tried – God love her she tried so hard but I don’t believe her milk ever came in. She tried all the tricks … nursing, extra pumping, increased fluid intake … everything that was suggested but she woke up one morning and there was nothing … and I mean NOTHING. She pumped for 20 minutes on each breast and did not even get a teaspoon of milk.  She gave up and moved to formula … the basic formula the hospital starts all babies on. About 3 weeks of that and we knew it wasn’t going to work.  Lil Bit was constipated and his little tummy hurt all the time and the gas … Oh My Lawdy!  We changed to another formula designed for fussy babies with excessive gas and thought we had found a resolve. Things got better for a few days … then … we let our guard down and started to settle in to a normal life when BAM … Lil Bit reverted back to the non-sleeping, always crying baby boy. We’ve been struggling about two weeks now.  I thought maybe colic but he really doesn’t have a colic pattern … it’s more of an eating pattern.  He will scream to eat. We give him a bottle and within 10 minutes he is once again screaming bloody murder only this isn’t for food … it’s pain. You can see in his facial expression and his body actions that his little tummy is in pain.  Lots of attempts to burp and relieve the pressure which eventually will work but by that time it’s time for him to eat again. We feed and repeat the process.  Tomorrow he has his two month checkup and I’m going to be there!  I’m going to insist beg, plead, and cry to his doctor to please figure out what’s going on and to make him all better.  He’s growing so I believe his formula is satisfying his nutritional needs but it’s not settling well with his tummy.  We may try moving away from the milk based formula and try a soy based formula … maybe he is lactose intolerant.  Who knows?  The one thing we do know is that we’ve got to find a “different” place for Lil Bit’s schedule. We need rest and he does too.

I’m open to any ideas, suggestions, comments, or ‘cures’ that you may have.  I just want him to be a happy baby and right now … Lil Bit is not very happy.

On that note …

Neither is Lil Man 😦  Yesterday we had to make an unexpected trip to Urgent Care with him after he spiked, an out of no freaking where, fever of 102.  Dr said his right ear was at the point of rupturing and his left ear wasn’t very far behind.  This morning he is still spiking a fever between 101 & 102. Tylenol and Motrin will bring it down but it’s not staying down. His little ears hurt and he just wants to be cuddled … in bed … not in the chair … and he wants cartoons … specifically Wow Wow Wubzy & Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & Handy Manny.  We’ve obliged!

Last but not least … The man who was living in my house … the JERK who led me to believe that maybe we could rekindle the love we once had … when our children were little … well …

He chose on a Sunday afternoon while the girls and I were out with the babies doing our regular weekly shopping that he didn’t want to live with us anymore. He packed up and moved out … or should I say moved IN … with another woman. The woman he venomously denied having anything to do with when confronted about the situation. He decided he wanted to choose her over his family. He said we never talked … HELLO MISTER … It was tax season … I was working six days a week, 70+ hours a week! You were always in bed when I got home and you were gone when I got up … YOU never offered to drop by the office when you completed your little eight hour day. YOU never offered to be a part of the family on Sunday … my ONLY day off. Instead you were out with HER .. NOW Mister … I hear that you aren’t happy with her either.  Guess what … YOU AIN’T COMING BACK TO MY HOUSE!!

Life is good … we’re going to get by … and we’re going to enjoy doing it …