Something’s Bothering Me

And I need to get it off my chest … Will you be the one to listen?

A bit over one year ago my family went through a tragedy. It affected some worse than others. Some seemed to have totally forgotten it ever happened. I haven’t and it still hurts. It hurts a whole lot. I believe what hurts more than the tragedy itself is having people ‘forget’ it ever existed.

If you chose not to read about our tragedy I understand and I’ll tell you what happened. On April 18, 2008 my youngest daughter suffered a miscarriage at her 13th week of pregnancy.  That day is as vivid in my mind as the day Lil Man was born or the day Lil Bit was born. It is as vivid as what I had for lunch today. I can never forget and don’t ever want to forget that day. I would like for the pain to be easier to bear, but I want to remember our Angel Baby. I want my family to remember our Angel Baby.  But they don’t … and that hurts … sometimes it hurts more than the memory of that day.

This past Mother’s Day, after Church I planned to stop by our Olan Mill’s Studio to see what kind of special they were offering and to schedule pictures to be made for Lil Bit. He’s 13 weeks old today and we haven’t had his pictures made professionally. Lord knows I don’t have the ability to make them, although I wish I did.  Anyway … I had both the boys, my daughter, and my Mom with me. While I was filling out a card for the package I was purchasing the Olan Mills lady was chatting with my Mom and admiring the boys. Mom had told the lady that Lil Man and Lil Bit were her Great-Grandchildren to which the lady asked if they were the only two she had … My Mom’s response broke my heart. She simply said Yes, they are the only two I have.  The Olan Mill’s lady saw tears in my eyes. She asked if these boys were my Grandsons to which I responded YES … these two little boys are my blessings from Heaven. She followed immediately with “So they are the only two you have and two is a good number”.  My mouth fell open and tears burned my eyes.  I softly said “I actually have three grandchildren, two here with me and one in Heaven.

I think for just a moment the world stood still. The look on my Mom and daughter’s face was like a look of horror that I would even mention the baby my daughter miscarried just over a year ago.  I felt like I had been slapped by everyone that heard what I said.  Is it so wrong that I speak about my grandchild in Heaven? Angel Baby exists. It’s not like that baby should not be talked about … right? We saw him/her in ultrasound. We saw the tinyest of heartbeat at the 6week ultrasound. Angel Baby lived … a very short life here on earth. Angel baby will spend eternity in Heaven. Does that mean we have to forget him/her?  I know there will be a day when I stand proudly at Heaven’s Gate and be reunited with Angel Baby.  I just wonder if the rest of my family are as anxious as I am to someday  be reunited with Angel Baby or if they have ever even given it any thought.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Damselfly
    May 19, 2009 @ 22:27:09

    I believe Angel Baby is in heaven. Maybe they were just surprised to know you still think of the baby. Hope the photos came out great.

  2. Nellie
    May 28, 2009 @ 14:54:24

    Yes, I agree, Angel Baby is a big part of your life and you feel the missing earthly link. I had a miscarriage many, many years ago and I wonder “what if”.

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