Things are tough right now. It leaves me with little to say. Outwardly I appear normal and happy. Inwardly I am torn into shredds and feel like dying. Seeking comfort from the Lord is my only source of survival in this world we currently call life. I keep reminding myself of all I have to be thankful for …
I have Lil Man … Oh what a special little boy. He brings me so much happiness. He’s a “determined to be independent”, two year old, slice of Heaven. The twinkle in his eyes and the sound of glee in his voice is immeasurable. I could never imagine life without him and hope I never have to.
Then I have …
Lil Bit … Ahhhh such a precious, cuddly, beautiful, little boy. He’s demanding and impatient but he knows his Nana and he knows when Nana reaches for him she won’t put him down until his needs have all been satisfied. I could never imagine life without him either and like Lil Man I hope I never have to.
I have …
Heather … such a sweet spirit but not without faults and plenty of them. She learns from her mistakes and fights to always be a better person. She’s learning and she tries. Lil Bit is lucky to have her for a Mommy. Lil Man thinks there is no other Aunt like his “Aunt Hegar.”
I have a wonderful Church family. I have an awesome job and awesome co-workers. I’m lucky in so many respects of nature and of life.
But (you knew that was coming didn’t you?)
I’m still torn and broken … my heart still aches … I still wonder if I’m making the right choices … I still struggle with decisions I have had to make … Why?
This is why … She’s my baby. Regardless of her age she will always be my baby. I miss her and so wish I could just call her up and say “come home” … I can’t and she won’t. Maybe someday she will find my blog and when/if she does I want her to know that I love her with all of my heart despite the choices she has made. I know someday she will grow up and be the adult God wants her to be. She will learn respect and she will learn what her priorities are and how to put them in the correct order. Until she does I will continue to miss her and continue to worry about where she is and if she is safe. Until then I will keep her little boy safe. I will keep him happy, and I will watch him grow into an aspiring young man with goals and determination.