Last night Lil Man was adamant about taking a shower by himself. I was hesitant but relented and allowed him to do so. I assisted slight from the dry side of the shower curtain. He smiled at me when he was finished and said “Nanny, I’m growing such a big little boy.” In the same breath he reminded me that he had also buckled himself into his car seat earlier that afternoon. While hugging him tightly and singing praises to his accomplishments for the day, inside my heart was breaking to think of where we are versus where we were a year ago.
It has been one year today since Stasha turned and walked out of my home while telling me that she didn’t need me in her life and that she could succeed in life on her own. Not only did she walk out on me, her mother, but she also walked out on Lil Man, her son. She never looked back. She has lived in to many places to count in the past year. She hasn’t managed to accomplish anything she insisted she could and/or would do. She has missed so much … she has missed watching her little boy grow up. I could have never walked out on my children and missed out on a year of their lives … not knowing what they were doing, if they were healthy, happy, safe, loved. I struggle daily wondering how she can lay down to sleep at night or eat a meal, not knowing … anything about the child she gave birth to.
Do I sound bitter? Angry? Do I have the right to feel bitter? Angry? Sure I do!
BUT … for as bitter and angry as I am … I am a lot more thankful that I can lay down to sleep at night and I can sit down to eat knowing everything there is to know about that precious little boy. I know he is happy, healthy, safe, and oh so loved.
She is my daughter … I love her dearly … I miss her … I wish things were different … better … but they aren’t so I play the hand she has dealt and until she opens her eyes and realizes all she has missed out on … I will continue to protect and care for her little boy. I love that Lil Man … oh how I love him so.